I always check the back of salad dressing bottles for nutritional information, but upon inspecting a bottle of Newman’s Own Lighten Up Low Fat Sesame Ginger Dressing last night, I was surprised to find the following short story included on the label:
The Great Salad Dressing Balloon Race
An armada of balloons loaded with Low Fat Sesame Ginger. The starters gun — Bazooombah! They all rise majestically into the air. Newman’s Own Balloon, with fewer calories, more taste, and secretly propelled by charity, flies faster than Kraft® and further than Wishbone®. First across. First on the ground. El Piloto quaffs mucho quaffs of Newman’s Own Low Fat Sesame Ginger in victory. A medium light Italian starlet, daughter of Butch Cassidini, named Bitch Cassidini, leaps into the balloon basket, kisses Piloto, her lips smeared with Newman’s Own Low Fat, she murmurs, “You taste of Sicily, of Vesuvius, of Naples, baby”, and patting his fanny she whispers, “and no fat.”
Ooookay. That bit about her lips being “smeared with Newman’s Own Low Fat” isn’t gross or anything. And since when is it politically correct to name the female lead in your salad dressing story “Bitch”? Wow... just amazing. I'm amazed. The salad was alright though.
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